PARENTING: Common Mistakes

There are no good or bad parents as no person starts out with the determination to be bad or good towards their children. The desire of every single parent is that their children or wards be the best they could possibly be with as much resources as they can afford.

There is also no instrument to measure parenting; what people measure most times are decisions taken that proves either good or bad depending on the situation, geographical location and of course religion.

The human race is unpredictable; the outcome of one reaction in a particular situation will be different from the outcome of another in the same situation. In this post, we are looking at some common parenting mistakes.

Not Allowing Children Experience Risk

In a world festered with violence, we are continually slammed by danger at every turn. The ‘safety first’ mind-set creates this unavoidable fear that makes us not want to lose those closest to us, our kids most especially. It is the job of parents to protect their kids, so parents do everything they can to protect them. As many reason you might have for wanting the best for your child, not allowing them to experience healthy risk-taking behaviour has adverse effect. Low self-esteem, high level of anxiety, inability to handle stressors, over reaction and high arrogance are the likely outcome if risk is removed from the lives of children

Research shows that children not allowed to play outside, skin their knees, engage in childhood banter with other kids frequently have phobias as adult. ‘Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require’.

Mistaking Giftedness, Influence, Creativity and Intelligence for Maturity

Recently on media we have youngsters in the movie industry, music industry caught in public scandal. It is assumed that because they are gifted they should be able to handle some responsibility, but you cannot be more wrong in your assumption.

Intelligence, creativity and giftedness are often used as a measurement of a child’s maturity and the result of this is that parents allow their children anything assuming they are ready to take on the world. That a child shows giftedness in one area of his/her life does not mean it extends to every other area. A parent should work with the child towards strengthening other areas where the child might be lacking.

Fear of Letting Go

The fear of a child been out of our authority and control often makes some parents unnecessarily overbearing and controlling. Stifling a child’s progress should not be a mode of keeping children under check (again attention is drawn to risk taking).

We do not have an age where a child should be given certain freedom; a good parenting tip is for parents to observe other children in same age group as theirs. If as a parent you notice your child is not doing as much for himself as other children are doing for themselves, you may just be delaying your child’s independence.

Being ‘Hero-Parents’ and Guardians

One reason why there are more ‘failed adults’ in this present generation than there was 30 years ago is because today’s generation of young people have not developed the life skills that young people had 30 years ago.

Parents, guardians rescue too quickly and ‘over-indulge’ their children with assistance. In this present generation, they have completely removed the need for wards to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own.

When we overindulge and rescue before the child had time to get a hang of the situation, we get them used to the idea that there will always be someone there to rescue them through every difficulty. We have adults who do not even know what a CV is or how to write one because even before they finished their final degree paper, daddy had secured a place for them in a choice establishment.

When in reality there is no such thing, we create the mind-set for our children that ‘“If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” With an attitude like this, no one can be a competent adult.

Rewards

Children are good at pulling strings and making parents feels guilty. Some kids are good; they know what buttons to press to get things going their way. Not allowing guilt get in the way of parenting is one very essential tip of parenting. You do not need to be in your child’s ‘good book’ ALL THE TIME. A child will get over the effect of being disappointed in a very short while but won’t get over the effect of being spoiled in a life time.

A parent should know when to say these words ‘No’ and ‘Not now’, and let their kids fight for what is of value and of necessity. Parent should be careful not to base their relationship with their children on material rewards; be careful not to train them to expect a trip to the mall just because they got good grades. They may just grow up expecting to be rewarded materially for everything they achieve.

If your relationship is based on material rewards, your kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love.

Sharing Past Mistakes

Parents want their children to have this god-like image of them; like they are perfect, having never failed or done any wrong, having always been straight ‘A’ students. Not until grand pa or ma tells them what escapades mum and dad engaged in, they live with this idea that mum and dad have always been perfect all their lives.

Children will always want to spread their wings and try things on their own, as parents you must let them. In letting them, we can help them navigate the waters. You can share with your children relevant mistakes you made while you were their age in a way that helps them make better decision. You should share with them some quality decisions you took too that made you better off. Since kids would inevitably encounter slip ups and face the consequences of their action, a parent should be available to share their own personal experiences while they were their age, what drove their action and lesson learned.

Teens are more prone to do the ‘don’ts’ than the ‘dos’, they are more awed by the unknown and because there will always be peer pressure are more likely to succumb to whatever and whoever has the greatest influence. Knowing therefore that as parent you are not the only influence your child has, you must strive to be their best influence.

There is no one method to determine that a child will turn out perfect. But we do know that a child left to himself turns to ruin.